Musings on the Eucharist

Andy is at Mass right now, and I wish that I could be there, too. Alas, the wuggies are sniffly, so instead of actually partaking of the Lord's Supper, I'm jotting down the musings that have been brewing over the last week or so.

I don't remember the circumstances... something trivial must have gone awry... in any case, a humiliating awareness of my inadequacy seized my consciousness. I dug my nails into my flesh, bracing myself, as it were, as gruesome and all-too-familiar images of self mutilation flooded over me. I reasoned with myself that I was grossly over-reacting. My little embarrassment was really insignificant, and not entirely my fault, anyway. Certainly nothing to justify the ghastly judgments I was envisioning.

And yet... all was not utterly trivial. All my failings loomed over me in a great tangled jumble. The most prominent were absurd in their insignificance, but hiding behind them were pride, jealousy, bitterness, laziness, and self-absorption.

Nevertheless, my self-hatred was quite unneccessary, since the things I was really upset about didn't even matter much at all.

I was condemned by the very triviality of my offenses. I was more concerned over minor embarrassment than real sin. There was no way out.

Strange... those moments when we see in startling clarity the truth of words oft repeated and long believed. From toddlerhood I knew that the cross was the answer to the abstract theological necessity that my blood be shed. Suddenly I clearly saw it as the answer to the very immediate psychological necessity of my destruction. I need no other argument, I need no other plea. Indeed, I have none.

And so I eat of His broken flesh, drink of the life-blood poured out for the sins of many, and live, utterly justified, in undeserved wholeness.

Thanks be to God!

First Pillow Fight!

As I type.

=)

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction...

Meepo has discovered that it is great fun to get a rise out of Dadders by climbing up on the table by the door and putting pennies in his mouth. Dadders makes such funny faces. It is great fun.

Oh yes.

Flowers!

Isaiah picked a flower and brought it to me!

Meanwhile, Nathan will point to flowers saying "Fffff!"

In the driver's seat

For some time I've been convinced that one of the keys to a happy marriage is simply knowing what to do together, and what not to do together. For us, this means that we should be sure to carve out lots of time for great discussions, keep each other posted our respective mathematical and musical pursuits, and cook together. It also means that we should never go grocery shopping together, as we have been known to argue ferociously over the various brands of peanut butter. Above all, I should never, ever drive when Andy is in the car.

Driving has never been a tremendous strength of mine, since I haven't done a whole lot of it. But as long as I stick to familiar routes, I'm reasonably safe and competent... unless Andy is in the car. It will start out with a little shifting error. Andy will comment that I stayed in first a little too long. I'll get flustered, and immediately shift into fourth. Things snowball from there, and as we argue, I miss our turn. By the time we finally reach our destination, we are quite at each other's throats.

Yes, having Nener drive is a bad thing to do together.

But it really is quite hampering to have only one of us comfortable navigating the LA freeway system. Even more, Andy pointed out, it was hampering to always have him in the driver's seat, metaphorically speaking. Andy's a take-charge sort or person by nature, and I'm more laid back. If there's a decision to be made, and nobody seems to be making it, Andy will quickly step in and fill the void. I, on the other hand, am incapable of making any decision whatsoever without first ascertaining that I couldn't possibly be stepping on the toes of anyone's imaginary monkey. Which generally means that Andy ends up running the family since nobody else is, while I dutifully stay out of the way, anxious lest I disturb his inscrutible master plan.

So we decided that whenever we get in the car together, I should get in the driver's seat by default... and Andy is not allowed to make any comments. Easier said than done. Old habits die hard. Transmissions, on the other hand, die quickly, so we modified the rules to allow for one shifting comment per trip. That one comment is generally used up within a block or two, and the rest of the trip is spent in playful banter as Andy struggles valiantly to keep quiet.

One of Andy's students, upon amusedly observing our interactions while riding with us the other day, commented how nice it would be if his parents could get along as we did.

We've come a long way, baby.

So... wanna go shopping for peanut butter tonight?

Or not.

Rage

Sing, goddess, the rage of September's mother Elena.

Yesterday, under the influence of pregnancy hormones, I flew into quite a rage over absurdities with our apartment complex. Isaiah stared, enthralled, as I stormed about the living room, shouting my indignation and searching for harmless items to destroy. Then, gleefully, he began to join in, flapping his arms wildly, and shouting.

It may have been a pretty good impression, but the huge grin somewhat ruined the effect... and softened my rage.

=)

Hello again!

Long time, no see!

After months of silence, I'm emerging once again into the world of blogging. Hopefully.

We still don't have a computer (I'm at Biola right now) but our apartment is now officially in condition to support a computer.

Amazing how complicated that can be. You cannot have a computer until you have a place to put said computer. This place should not be in close proximity to a heater. It also should not be in close proximity to toddlers. Yes, we learned both of these lessons the hard way.

The first criterion is not terribly difficult to meet, once you realize the need to take it into consideration, since heater vents generally tend to stay in the same place. Of course, as we discovered last night, this principle does not necessarily apply to the grates covering them, due to the migratory nature of toddlers... but that is another tale for another day. The point is that the the migratory nature of toddlers also serves to make the second criterion for computer placement rather more complicated. Anything that can be climbed upon will be climbed upon....

But now we have a nice, enclosed hutch, and soon we will have a computer to go in it.

AFTER we get some toddler locks!

A new career.

For Isaiah that is. He is now a computer programmer. Unfortunately, he is not very good at it yet, despite being more experienced than I would like him to be.

This is why I haven't posted in a while.

A soul at rest

Today I've been working on a new piece. It's atonal (surprise, surprise!), and strangely enough, falls very naturally into a strict 7/4 meter. This is the first time I've worked with an irregular meter, and I'm falling in love with the fluid forward motion it gives to the piece. Come to think of it, this is also the first time I haven't struggled with the rhythm. It simply flowed out smoothly. For the first time, I actually have a legible first draft.

More significantly, though, this is the first time that a piece of mine has not been expressive of tremendous pathos. It's simply tranquil and a little bit playful. The sort of thing that I always found impossible to even play without infusing it with all sorts of extraneous emotions.

Thank you Jesus, for your peace.

Quickening!

September is getting to be very wiggly. It is so different having just one baby in there. There's a much more direct connection. I feel her squirm within me, and I feel that it's her. Last time, I would feel a kick, and have to sort of analyze and try to figure out which one it was.

Singleton pregnancy is a new experience for me... I like it!

Everything's just ducky

Well, "guck," to be precise. The bathtub is a wonderful teaching opportunity, and a few weeks ago, they started calling their beloved rubber ducky "guck."

Now Nathan calls everything "guck." He has begun pointing to things, and gleefully exclaiming "guck!"

Here I thought he'd learned associated the word with the object. It turns out he's associated it with the action of pointing.

They're such delightful little people, and I love them more by the minute.

Carbonated sugar water

We've been spending a small fortune on fast food lately. I'm working on getting menu-planning and homecooked meals under control, but in the meantime, as a small step in the right direction, I'm trying to kick the soda habit. It's a total ripoff... and I don't need the caffein... but when it all comes down, in a moment of thirst I'd rather be ripped off than drink water.

So it was that on my last trip to KFC, I found myself ordering a medium Pepsi despite all my good intentions. It wasn't very crowded, so I let the pickles doopa about while I enjoyed my meal. As I watched my rambunctious boys drag chairs from table to table about the dining room, I saw another exhausted mom stumble in after her two boys. They were every bit as energetic as mine, but being considerably larger, had a much greater capacity for mischief. Their mom was obviously quite worn out trying to keep up with them. All four kids had a great time playing together, as the mom became frustrated trying to figure out what her sons wanted for lunch.

In the course of their explorations, the younger boy, about 7, grew bored with the pinball machine and turned his attention to the soda fountain. One by one, he poked his finger up each of the taps, pausing to lick it off before proceeding to the next one.

Our budget is much indebted to that little boy. Just thought I'd pass this service on my readers. =)

A little less wise...

...but oh, ignorance is bliss!

Yesterday I had an impacted wisdom tooth removed. The world is much brighter today. My sons are once again my darling wuggies, no longer the monsters they were the first half of the week. ("What? You want milk?!? But I fed you yesterday, you little...")

The whole experience was a surprisingly good one. The doctor was very good with the psychology of pain management. He gave the anesthetic a little bit at a time to minimize the pain, but when it came time for the final shot, he told me that this one was going to hurt. And he poked me, to show me precisely where it would hurt. Sure enough, it hurt... but I was ready for it. Then when it came time for the actual extraction, he poked first my nose, then my jaw. "See, pressure doesn't hurt. But it's quite easy to fool yourself into thinking it does." Because he had been honest in telling me when something was going to be painful, I could believe him when he told me that this wouldn't hurt. And so I ignored the sickening crack, and it didn't hurt. I'm so used to doctors and dentists trying to reassure you by lying about how it isn't going to hurt a bit.... which is really rather terrifying. In stead of giving you the reassuring thought that it isn't going to hurt, it produces the idea in your mind that you are in the hands of an untrustworthy torturer, and who knows what he's going to do to you. Honesty is really refreshing. Anyway, if you ever find yourself in need of an oral surgeon in the Whittier area, I can highly recommend Dr. Brian Chung.

Besides, he has everything all decorated with surf boards, flip-flops, and In-N-Out ads. How cool is that?

Tootti Flutti

Nathan and Isaiah have been making great progress on the recorder, practicing a good deal. Now it seems that Nathan has decided that having figured out how to make a nice, consistent tone, it must be time for him to start working on some moderately advanced articulation.

And so he wanders about the apartment all day, mumbling "du-gu-du-gu-du-gu-du-gu-du-gu."

Silly boy. He should start out by cleaning up his single tonguing.

Oh, how I love September...

We have a very important meeting tentatively scheduled for September 20.

Meanwhile, this is a time of great personal growth, both for me and for the family at large.

Share the Luvs

Actual testimonial displayed on an actual box of actual diapers...

"I like your diapers, especially how they hug the baby's legs. My granddaughter uses them now. We are passing them down from generation to generation."

h

Failed Epics

I recently read LeRoux's The Phantom of the Opera. It utterly blew me away with its exquisite, delicate interweaving of good and evil, love and hate, light and darkness. The supernatural mysteries with their quite rational, human, explanations all swirling about the mysterious supernatural power of that ordinary human phenomenon we call music... I was in a daze for about a week, just relishing the beauty of the tale. I have certainly read better novels, but that is among the best stories I have ever experienced.

Thus it was with great disappointment that I pulled out Andy's old soundtrack from the musical. It's... a musical. A good musical, full of delightful, charming songs. Broadway at its best.

But the Phantom, after all, haunts the Paris Opera, not Broadway. Whatever the merits of Webber's score, it is not music of the soaring beauty that drives men mad. His songs are the songs of a wonderful evening's entertainment, not the songs of sirens. And as lovely and lucid as the performance was, it lacked that inexplicable genius which forms the entire theme of the story. Sarah Brightman has a gorgeous voice, but I am not entirely convinced that she has heard the Angel of Music.

I was pontificating to Andy the other day, voicing my complaints against the predictable love songs written for this delicately unexpected romance, and the bombastically forceful overture with absolutely no harmonic interest to justify its sweeping pretentions. As Andy responded, I realized that this conversation was treading on very familiar territory. My husband, as usual, took pity on Webber, the composer, the man. Was I saying that this man's greatest work was a failure? Well, no... it's really good, just nowhere near good enough to justify the subject matter.

My mind flipped back to a similar conversation we'd had a while back about Michael Card. I absolutely love his Ancient Faith album. He beautifully draws out the poignant stories of individual men as they weave in and out of the grand story of redemption. It's absolutely breathtaking.

I am much less impressed, however, with his album based around the book of Revelation. He seems to be rather over-reaching himself, trying to paint a sort of grandeur that he simply does not have the tools to paint. As a result, the overture in particular winds up coming across as bombastic rather than profound.

Although it wasn't Andy's favorite of Card's album's either, he was almost personally hurt by my harsh critique. Was I saying that Card is a failure? Of course not--just that he should stick to approaching the Great Story via the small stories of particular men. But Andy still thought that I was being a bit harsh to tell someone that they should stick to the little stuff, leaving the big stuff for people like Bach and Handel.

I still think I'm right in a sense. It's not just about the skills of a particular composer, it's about the capacities of a form. The music in a Broadway musical can only go so deep. It must be easily accessible to the general public, and it cannot build up much of a macrostructure, being necessarily broken up by dialogue. A musical can do a lot of things, but it cannot produce the sort of music that the Phantom is about. In the same way, I really do think that a ballad is well suited to tell Abraham's story, probably better than an oratorio could. But to sing about Revelation, you probably need an oratorio.

Nevertheless... at the end of the day, would you rather be Milton, your life's work a failed epic, a deeply flawed poem reaching for magnificent grandeur, striving to explicate the deepest mysteries of God and Man, and failing...

....Or Steinbeck, with his really excellent, practically perfect novels.

Cannery Row is just about flawless. Mack's complaints in the intro to Sweet Thursday notwithstanding, I can't think of any room for imrovement. Funny and endearing and poignant and tragic, it gives humanity and dignity to the lives of the bums and whores and drunks and loonies in a tiny close-knit community on the Monterey Bay. It's a fabulous book.

But then again, I suspect that Handel was overreaching himself too, I just don't know enough to see it.

And aren't we all failed epics?

Someday there is redemption and wholeness. But woe to him who has safely buried his treasure.

Sold

I always thought the whole Baby Einstein hoopla was pretty silly. So when my sister-in-law gave the boys some DVDs for Christmas, we weren't tremendously sad about the fact that we do not have a DVD player. But... the lack of a DVD player also means that we can't watch that spiffy salsa dance instruction video Andy checked out of the library, so we borrowed Chris and Sheri's laptop to watch DVDs on. Of course, once there's a DVD player in the house, you cannot escape the necessity of watching the DVDs...

And they're wonderful!

They are actually really beautiful, setting the movements of everyday toys to music, incorporating rhythm and grace into the elements that make up a child's experience. They integrate aesthetic appreciation into a child's natural wonder and curiousity. They are very tasteful, being geared toward the simplicity of a child's comprehension, rather than toward the crudity of a child's taste. The boys are enthralled, and I, a classically trained musician, am not above delighting in its beauty.

Another wonderful thing is that they invite human interaction. The DVDs call themselves "digital board books," and indeed, the boys and I had lots of fun pointing out everything on the screen. The videos are so low-key that there is plenty of room for mommy to be involved.

All in all, I was very excited to see such a wonderful use of the available technology. The technology was used in such a way as to conform to a child's developmental needs, rather than conforming a child's development to the technology.

Meanwhile, moving from the sublime to the ridiculous, we watched a decidedly mediocre childrens show on PBS the other day. We watched it, not because we were particularly fascinated by the plight of the lazy, unmotivated insurance salesman, but because the advertisement at the begining of the show informed us that it was funded through the No Child Left Behind Act, and I was curious to find out what it was that they had deemed a higher priority than sufficient textbooks for underprivileged schools.

I am rather bewildered...

Zen and the Art of Kitchen Floor Maintainance

We have a lovely Zen garden in the kitchen.

Yes, the boys got into the sugar.

I always did think Zen gardens were pretty sweet...

Waiting...

...and waiting...

It seem's that Andy's boss was bragging about him down at headquarters, and landed him an unsolicited interview with The Head Honcho. Thanks to our wonderful neighbors, Andy was actually able to attend said interview, unhindered by the ill-timed accident our turtle-mobile attended immediately prior. Andy hit it off smashingly (no pun intended, thankfully!) with the Head Honcho, and walked away with the offer of a full-time position. Not only will he be teaching lots of math classes, but he will also be working with a very cool visionary math/philosophy guy on curriculum development. Perfect mentoring environment---and they'll even pay for his credentialing!!! Adequate salary, great benefits.... All in all a blessing from above.

The only problem is... we don't know when the job starts.

Can't make any plans, because any day now, they could call him in...

Can't choose a new pediatrician until we know if we're going to be on Blue Cross or Medi-Cal...

Can't actually hire the mother's helpers we've lined up, or tell them they can start looking for a different job...

Uncertainty---it's the gift that keeps on giving.

*cue Jeopardy theme*