Heading straight over to the "do-not-call" registry

Dear "Tricia from the financial dept.", "Tim with the mortgage company", et. al.;

Actually, you can't give us a better rate on our mortgage. We rent. And Kelly, I think you have the wrong number, because your answering machine can't possibly be returning a call we never made. Especially not a call about mortgage rates, because like I said, we rent.

And Karen from AOL, why no, we are not current subscribers. For a very long list of very good reasons... but I'm sure you don't want to hear them, so please stop calling me before I feel compelled to list them off.

Most importantly, Officer Young, you know how they say that you should put potential customers at ease by calling them by their full name instead of just asking for the lady of the house? Well, it really doesn't work if you start off saying you're from the Police.

But I do hope your fundraiser goes well.


Elena Johnston


Matthew said...

Beautiful, Elena. Truly beautiful. You have a wonderful mind.

Translating fundraiserease:
We care about you(r money).

We need your support (so we can continue asking more people for money - including you at a later date several more times).

We're searching for ministry partners (specifically the kind that give money and then don't actually have any other kind of real, personal ministry).

We're hoping you'll join us (those hundreds of others we've badgered until they gave in).

Let's get together for coffee. I'll buy (with the money we hope you'll be giving us)!

I really appreciate you (until your money runs out).

Fundraising is insane business... and I should know...

Sarah said...

Hey Elena

Just so you know.. That "Police" fundraising thing has been known to be a complete scam in some cases. Some of them originating from prisons! Don't ever ever ever ever give out any financial information, SS#... any personal info to bozos like those callers. It could be your worst nightmare. Not just an annoyance.

Also, I'll be emailing you shortly! Im coming back "home" to the area in just 3 weeks! Have a few questions for you..

Talk to you soon,


Elena said...

You know, maybe the fact that his tone of voice instantly turned from cordial and authoritative to sullen when I said no...

Well, yeah... my guess is he was every bit as legit as "Kelly returning your call."


Lauren said...

You just reminded me why we don't have anything but cell phones AND we've registered on the NO-Call list for all three.

Christa said...


I love this post. BRILLIANT!


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