Opportunity for growth

If you've known me for long, you've probably already figured out that I'm not big on confrontation. Almost always, I would rather keep the peace than have things any particular way. Hence, I always hang back and wait for somebody else to take the lead.

Which turns out not to always be the best way to keep the peace. Balance is important, and there's a time to lead and a time to follow. Spinelessness doesn't work much better than bossiness for keeping the peace. The fact is, it isn't that important to Andy how the household is run... it's just important that it BE run. And not by him. Whatever thoughtful decisions I make, it'll probably be okay. As long as I actually make them, and manage to keep his involvement to a minimum.

I know all this in my head. And I know from experience just how badly my current m.o. works. But it's awfully hard to habituate yourself to new relational patterns that seem to go directly against deeply held values. The old habits don't really promote peace and harmony, and the new ones don't really contradict it... but it always feels that way in the moment.

At any rate, the role of matron of honor is stretching me. A lot. And the funny thing is, I really don't mean that as an euphamism for "nasty, unpleasant experience that I'm trying to make the best of."

I'm having a lot of fun. But I'm having to take leadership. Which is strange and uncomfortable for me--especially when I'm collaborating with people who naturally like to take charge. But there's a level of clarity that comes from the fact that none of this is about me, I am simply advocating the bride's interests. A whole level of second-guessing is eliminated, because I know I'm thinking clearly about all this. I'm not emotionally invested in any of the specifics, only in Sharon's happiness.

Of course, I'm still invested in smooth relationships for my own sake, and even more importantly, for Sharon's sake. But since I have a certain measure of emotional distance from the situation, I can think clearly about what decisions would best preserve relationships, make everyone as comfortable as possible, etc.

This is not easy... but it's good. I'm learning, and I'm growing, and it feels good.

1 comment:

Christa said...

*sigh* I too, struggle with this. Trying to balance people's feelings while trying to lead in a direction. . . it is trying.

I think more so when you're a girl. Most guys seem to lose that sensitivity gene and 'just go for it'. Which is probably why we're put in charge for lovely things like weddings. :)

Good luck!