She asked if I was okay.

It's one of those questions that just has no answer, because if I was, it wouldn't be okay.

And yet my grief is so tiny in comparison. I don't have to face the day-to-day chasm of her absence... not like that. It puts everything into perspective, and the very pain I feel forces me to confess that I am very okay indeed, and I have no answers for the not-okay-ness of it all.

She was so beautiful... is so beautiful. In all our flip-floppy musings about where to settle down, Andy was drawn to Pennsylvania because Pennsylvania is vibrant and centered and full of life and beautiful. I was drawn to Pennsylvania because of her. Because that is how she is. Andy wanted to come to Pennsylvania because he wants to live somewhere beautiful, I wanted to come to Pennsylvania because I wanted to learn to become beautiful like her.

Somewhere inside I knew it was futile, but I kept on hoping, because I didn't know what else to do.

And now it is beyond hoping. I will meet her again, somewhere more beautiful than Pennsylvania, more beautiful even than she is.

1 comment:

Christa said...

Oh Elena,

I'm so sorry to hear about you and your family's loss. I was able to talk with your parents about it when we were down in the Canyon...and she sounded like such a special and deep-down good person.

And its always that much more painful when we lose those bright flames, because the world turns that much more dim.

Here's to brighter days, and to hope in times of grief.