One afternoon last week, as I was sitting in the Target parking lot, contemplating how I was going to trek all three kids through the store, I breathed a silent prayer.
Please God, no more sympathy.
I’d been listening to the Alito confirmation hearings on the way over, and senators were trying to nail down his opinion of Roe v. Wade. Alito managed to evade most of their questions, although without the tremendous authority and finesse Roberts showed when it was his turn. I was quite sure Alito would make a fine justice if confirmed... but listening as he ran the gauntlet mostly just reminded me that Chief Justice Roberts is the man. Utterly grueling, and Alito did a fine job. But Roberts made it look easy, towering over the great men and women of congress like a god.
Anyway. As they grew more and more frustrated, senators gave eloquent and impassioned expressions of why the issue is so important. It’s not just a question of the rights of women vs. the rights of fetuses, it is a question of the value and status of women. A woman’s right to choose is utterly fundamental to her personhood, to her very value as a human being. Failure to fund a woman’s abortion is failure to grant her full status as an adult human person.
All this hurt me on a very deep and personal level. Because, of course, what this means is that woman qua woman isn’t really quite human. A woman is not fully a person until she has the option of walking away from parenthood. The implication, subtle but searing, was that femininity is inherently problematic, that we need to do something about my womanhood in order to make me as much a fully adult human as a deadbeat dad.
I’d already spent the morning, not exactly regretting my life path, but feeling rather ashamed of it. What am I doing, sitting here at home with a baby at my breast, chasing toddlers around, instead of pursuing a degree or doing something significant? And what is wrong with me that I’m loving it?
Hearing eloquent senators pontificate about the need to rescue women from the degradation of motherhood just drove the shame in deeper.
And now I had to trundle everybody around Target, and face the stares. You can’t go anywhere with twins without attracting lots of attention. It just doesn’t happen. When it was just the twins, it was all admiration. My, my, wasn’t I lucky to have my two kids all at once so I wouldn’t ever have to get pregnant again. But of course, I did get pregnant again, and, moreover, I had another baby. And now people just gawk, and a few of them even have the audacity to express their sympathy. What a poor, unfortunate woman I am, so young with so many children. Oh how sorry they are that God has blessed us so richly.
The more tired and worn out you are, the more sympathy you attract—and I was too tired and worn out to deal with it.
Please, God. No more sympathy. Not today. I just can’t handle it.
He must have heard me.
The smiling lady at the snack bar admired my small Persephone child, and another young mom pointed out the twins to her little girls. I had a nice chat with the immensely pregnant woman buying pull-ups for her twin toddlers at home. But no derisive stares, no pitying glances.
And then, as I was browsing through the shoe section, a man approached me. Probably in his mid-twenties, gaunt, disheveled, and moderately toothless. When he saw the twins, his face broke open into wonder and delight. He stood there for a good five minutes, maybe ten, reveling in their beauty. I stroked September’s head as I talked with him, and he asked permission to do the same. As he rubbed her bald little noggin, I was afraid he might explode with the joy of it. I really love these kids, don’t I? He could tell. What a lucky man my husband is... lots of women now don’t really want the bother of having kids...
Suddenly he remembered himself. He apologized, embarrassed, for taking up so much of my time, and we each went back to our respective browsing.
A few minutes later, he was back again, this time trying on a handsome pair of black loafers. He shyly asked if I would tell him what I thought of the shoes. Were they the right sort of shoes to wear to church?
See he’s been going to church lately, New Life Fellowship down the street. Trying to put his life back together, you know? He’s a little out of place in sneakers and T-shirts, but you’re supposed to come the way you are, right? But, well... His voice trailed off, and he gave a little shrug.
And it was my turn to delight, to be blown away by a little glimpse into the beauty of grace and redemption. Come as you are, come and be restored. God showed his love for us in this, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us... And it is that utter love and acceptance that draws us out of our brokenness and filth to become who we were meant to be all along.
I assured him that the shoes were very nice, and concurred with his hopes that if he saves them just for Sundays, they should last him a long time. We wished one another God’s blessings on our respective journeys, and then I finished up my shopping---still exhausted, but much refreshed. And immensely glad for having lugged my wuggies through Target that day.